A first date and a first attar: a column

The table is small. The cups are smaller. Whoever you are meeting will be about an arm's length away, and your scent has nowhere to hide.

That is the first lesson of wearing perfume on a first date. The space is close. The scent is judged at short range, not across a room.

The nerves problem

When people are nervous, they tend to do two things. They put on more than usual, and they try something new. Both are risky.

More scent does not make a better first impression. At close range, it can crowd the small space between you. A new scent adds a second worry, because you do not yet know how it opens on your skin or how it settles after two hours.

Why a soft attar suits it

An attar is a concentrated oil that sits near the skin. It does not throw itself across a table. It warms slowly with you. If you pick a soft one, such as a musk or a gentle amber, the person across from you meets it only when they are close.

For the difference between oils and sprays, see attar vs eau de parfum. For how to put one on, read how to apply attar.

A plain plan

1. Wear it once before, on an ordinary day, so there are no surprises.
2. Use one small dab. One. Not two for luck.
3. Put it on the inside of a wrist or just behind the ear.
4. Apply it an hour early so the first sharp part has passed.
5. Do not top up at the table.

The evening may call for a bit more warmth. A cosy amber works well in cool air, and it is covered in amber perfume for cold weather.

The trap of the borrowed scent

Some people borrow the scent of someone they admire, or buy whatever a friend wears. It is easy to see why. Yet a scent that suits another person may open in a different way on you. The only safe way is to wear it on an ordinary day first and learn how it behaves.

If you have time, try this the weekend before. Wear the attar for a whole day. Note the start, the one hour mark and the four hour mark. If the start is too sharp, wait longer before you leave the house. If it fades too soon, move the dab to a warmer spot. These are small fixes, and they take the nerves out of the night.

What the other person notices

Most people do not recall a scent's name. They recall a feeling. Clean, calm, warm, easy. A heavy or sharp scent leaves a different feeling, the kind that makes them lean back.

A first date is mostly conversation. The scent is the background music. It should not drown the voices.

If you are not sure

Ask a friend to smell you at arm's length before you leave. If they notice it at once, it is too much. If they notice only when they lean in, it is about right.

Keep the bottle at home. Carry nothing that tells you to fix it. Trust the small dab.

The quiet end of the night

Hours later, when you are heading home, a good attar is still there, faint and warm. That is how it should be. You can smell it on your sleeve, and nobody else can, unless they are close.

If the evening runs long

Dates have a way of stretching. A coffee becomes dinner, and dinner becomes a walk. A good attar copes with that because it changes slowly and does not need rescuing. If you feel the scent has faded, resist the urge to dash to the bathroom for a top up. The person across from you is still smelling you at arm's length, and a faint scent is a kind scent.

Carry a tissue, not a bottle. If you did put on too much, a little blotting on the wrist before you meet takes the edge off. Nobody will see it, and you will feel calmer for it.

On a first date, wear the amount that only the person at arm's length can notice.

Keep a spare dab for the next time. If there is one, you will already know how your scent behaves, and you can spend less time worrying about it and more time listening.